The Badass Knight of the Kingdom
by Michael McDoesn'texist
Summary: Marco is a badass knight who rescues Star in two chapters and goes back to Earth and bangs all the girls in school
1. Chapter 1

**I don't always publish crap you guys! I also read some of the actual good stuff on this website! And that can sometimes lead to this:**

* * *

Star was in a dungeon, crying. Like a little bitch. Ludo and Miss Heinous decided to do a crossover episode and captured her when she was taking a shit.

"Muhahahahaha! Now I finally have the royal wand Princess! All ur magic r belong to me now!" Ludo cackled and then walked off to bake a pizza or something.

Miss Very Bad Person meanwhile looked down at Star with a condescending grin.

"Now Princess Star, I will change you into the most perfect Princess ever. And if you don't cooperate... I'll have to resort to serious measures! MUHAHAHAHAHA!"

Star threw herself at the bars of her prison cell. "No, I beg of you Miss Anus! You don't have to do any of this!"

Miss Awful then slapped her and told her to shut the fuck up.

Later that night, Star was still sobbing quietly. "Please. Let there be a noble knight who is willing and capable to save me... where are you when I need you Marco?" She whispered.

* * *

 _Meanwhile in Echo Creek_

* * *

Marco was in his room, practicing his karate skillz. Marco was what you would call, a badass. He woke up like a badass, ate his breakfast like a badass, practised his karate like a badass, took a dump like a badass, and went to school like a badass. Now that I mention it, he just left for school. His proud parents watched as their badass son walked out to go to school.

"And that came out of the two of us!" Rafael said as he wiped a tear from his cheek.

On the way there, Marco saw two guys robbing a store! *gasp*

But it was no big deal for him. With one arm on his back, he knocked the two criminal individuals out and notified the authorities. The shop owner was very grateful and offered Marco anything he wanted. Marco said nothing. Instead he grabbed some sunglasses and gave the shop owner two hundred dollars.

"For the excellent service you have provided." He said and put on the glasses. And like a true badass, he walked out as if nothing happened. The shop owner later died of excitement.

* * *

Marco arrived at school and was greeted by everybody. All the students wanted to be friends with Marco. After all, he was pretty badass. Marco noticed three bullies were picking on a younger boy. He approached them and said: "Hey! Stop that you punks!"

The amazing audible vibration that was Marco's badass voice entered the bullies' ears and almost made their hearts melt.

The bullies looked up and two of them yelled: "Oh my gosh! It's Marco Ubaldo "dank memes" Diaz! The biggest badass in school! Run!"

They sprinted away in different directions, but the biggest, baddest bully of them all didn't move.

"Come show me what you're made of Diaz, I'm not afraid of you!" He spat.

"Bad choice." Marco said and with one simple flick of his fingers, he sent the bully flying across the hall.

"Oh gee..."

"Did you see that?"

"Marco saved that kid from Butch the Bully!"

"And then they say chivalry is dead!"

Marco ignored these comments. He felt it was only natural that people help the ones in need.

That was when he heard it...

A faint whisper...

"Marco... *sob* where are you?"

 _Star_

"She's in trouble..." Marco thought.

"Ok Diaz, stop dreaming and get to class." Mrs. Skullnick said.

"I am sorry ma'am. But I cannot." Marco stated.

"You what?" Mrs. Skullnick said, agitated.

"I must attend more pressing matters. A young lady requires my help urgently." He explained.

"Can't she take care of herself?" The teacher asked.

"Usually that is the case. I am afraid something may have happened when she was taking a shit. That's when she's vulnerable."

"You're kidding."

"No ma'am." Marco said and he put on his sunglasses. "I... SHIT you not."

 _ **YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH**_

Mrs. Skullnick blinked and thought for a second. Then she decided: "Well, whatever Diaz. I mean, you're pretty badass. I guess you can handle things."

"Thank you for your trust ma'am." Marco said and he smiled at her. Then he whistled and within a couple of seconds, Nachos came driving around the corner.

"Buenos, Nachos. It's time to gear up and ride out, to save the fair maiden Butterfly."

Nachos nodded and Marco mounted her. He pulled out his scissors, opened a portal and drove off, into Mewni. He parked Nachos near the gates of the Royal castle and he went straight to his room, completely missing that he interupted a formal meeting between King and Queen Butterfly and some other random dried up twats, I don't know. There, he started to put on his armour. It was light, shiny, and smelled like nacho cheese. He took some weapons with him for hand-to-hand combat and some firearms, just in case. He topped it all of with his sunglasses.

Now...

He truly was, 100 percent, without a doubt, I kid you not, dead serious, no bullshit, a badass.

And so he rode out, in search for the princess.

* * *

 **I'm pretty sure that calling someone badass over and over makes them badass by default. That's how character development works right?**


	2. Chapter 2

For hours and hours on end, Marco kept riding Nachos. Through night and day, through sunny weather and rainy days. He barely rested, only when it was needed to. He was fueled by sheer willpower and swag alone. On his travels he encountered many dangers such as dragons, bandits and a few pedophiles here and there, but he bested them all with his badassery.

After weeks of travelling, he finally arrived at Ludo's Castle. Marco took off his sunglasses and squinted his eyes at the dark, looming castle. Lightning struck the castle and thunder boomed. Marco smirked and put his sunglasses back on.

"¡Vamos Nachos! We must save the fair maiden before something bad happens to her!" He said. Nachos purred and at full speed, she rode up a hill. In a very cool slow-motion shot, Marco glided through the air. With the power of testosterone, he soared through the sky and broke through the heavy wooden gate of the castle. Bystanders later even said the gate moved out of the way on its own, afraid of Marco's badassery.

* * *

Marco safely landed his dragoncycle in the central courtyard and jumped off Nachos.

"Stay here! I will recall you once I need your assistance." Nachos nodded and slipped away into the shadows.

" _INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT! MARCO DIAZ HAS ENTERED THE CASTLE, I REPEAT, MARCO DIAZ HAS ENTERED THE CASTLE!_ "

Marco looked up and saw a bright flashing light appear. They already knew he was there. Within a minute, all of Ludo's monsters had surrounded him.

"Give up Diaz, you'll never get to the princess alive!" Bearicorn said.

"I beg to disagree..." Marco said and he initiated his bicycle kick. He deformed Potato-baby's head and then went after the other monsters. They all fell in battle relatively quickly. A karate punch here, high kick there and BANG everybody was down, except for Bearicorn. He pulled a walkie-talkie out of his bum and yelled: "I NEED BACKUP, NOW!"

Marco just simply grabbed the walkie-talkie and crushed it with his mighty hand.

"Oh my god I don't want to die!" Bearicorn said and he ran away, weeping.

Marco watched him run off. Badass heroes don't kill mind you. They only maim or seriously injure. With style.

But then an entire SWAT-team of Miss Heinous' robots surrounded him. They pointed their laser guns at Marco and one of them yelled: "GET ON YOUR KNEES!"

The corners of Marco's lips curled into a smile, and he did as he was told. One of the robots walked over to him to cuff his hands, but then, Marco took off his sunglasses, his eye flashed and a bright explosion of light destroyed the entire courtyard.

Marco got up and simply dusted off his shoulders. He then walked inside the castle, leaving the raining limbs behind him. He fiercly kicked open a door and saw...

Ludo and Miss Heinous violently kissing.

As a true badass, Marco resisted the urge to barf and cleared his throat.

Ludo looked up and cackled.

"A-HA! The karate-boy is here!" He jumped off his chair and stepped into a fighting stance.

"Seems like I have to teach this boy a lesson! Now, fight me or face-" Before he could finish that sentence, Marco had picked him up and thrown him out of a nearby window.

Miss Heinous quickly turned into her Meteora monster form and growled.

"So Princess Turdina, I heard you are a badass knight nowadays... well boy, you are too late!" Her lips curled into a devilish smile.

"What have you done to Star, you ratchet creature?" Marco belowed.

"Oh nothing terrible. I did warn her I would turn to more serious measures if she refused to cooperate." Meteora growled.

"You did not..." Marco said.

"Yes I did!" Meteora yelled and she burst out laughing.

"You MONSTER!" Marco yelled and he jumped into the air. Meteora responded quickly and lunged at Marco. Before they collided with eachother, Marco delivered a devastating one-inch punch, knocking out the monstrous creature cold.

With an enormous thud, Meteora fell to the ground and Marco landed next to her, gracefully.

He searched her pockets and soon enough, he found the key to the dungeons.

Marco dashed to the dungeons and used the Force to push all of the guards out of his way.

* * *

"Who's there?" Star asked as she looked up. She heard the clattering of weapons in the hallway.

"Could it be?" She wondered, filled with hope.

A guard came flying by as Marco stormed inside.

"MARCO!" Star yelled. "Now everything is going to be okay!" Happiness lit up her tear-stained face.

"Don't worry princess, I am here to free you!" Marco said with his awesome voice.

The totally forgot he got the key, instead he broke the lock with his bare hands.

"I heard they did horrible things to you my lady!" Marco said as he entered the cell.

"Oh Marco, it was awful! They tied my shoe-laces together!" Star said.

"Bastards..." Marco scowled. He picked up the princess and carried her outside. There, he gave her back her magic wand so she could free herself. Star untied her shoe-laces, but never let go of Marco. And so, Marco whistled for Nachos again and the three of them rode back to Mewni Castle. As they drove off, Marco detonated the C4 he had installed and in slow-motion, they drove away from the huge explosion that destroyed the entire castle.

* * *

Star returned to her parents who welcomed her back with tears in their eyes.

"My little baby girl! I'm so glad you are safe!" Moon said as she hugged her daughter.

"Marco my boy, you are a hero of the kingdom! How can we ever repay you?" River asked.

"No need to King River. It was my duty as a badass." Marco said. He turned around and walked away without looking back. Later, he arrived back home. By the next day, everybody had heard of Marco's heroic deeds and once he arrived at school, all the girls immediatly jumped on his dick. Simultaniously.

* * *

 ** _The End_**

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 **Hope you enjoyed that. Of course, big shout-out to The Eternal Winter for inspiring me to write this artistic beauty. Love your story m9!**


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